THE OFFICIAL, MOSTLY UNSUPERVISED ARCHIVE

The dad files.

Cold ones. Warm takes. A few well-earned naps.
Pick a topic and pull up a lawn chair.

I keep the grass a little long to crowd out weeds. It's working. I can't find the hose either.

By Dad · Short post 001

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD.

I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.

Dad stands in the hallway with his eyes closed and a hand cupped behind his ear, listening for a chirping smoke detector.

Longer story · By Dad

The Chirp

A smoke detector with a low battery chirps once every forty seconds. It's supposed to tell you which one it is. It doesn't. By the time you turn your head,…

A bearded dad in a green cap and mustard cardigan examines a wall thermostat through a magnifying glass while holding a small notebook.

Field note 001 · By Dad

The Thermostat Has Entered Witness Protection

Someone moved the thermostat one degree. The family says I need to chill. An investigation is underway.

Dad stands in the hallway with his eyes closed and a hand cupped behind his ear, listening for a chirping smoke detector.

Longer story · By Dad

The Chirp

A smoke detector with a low battery chirps once every forty seconds. It's supposed to tell you which one it is. It…

Dad taps a watermelon with his knuckles while a produce worker quietly watches.

Longer story · By Dad

The Thump

A ripe watermelon sounds deep when you thump it. Or hollow. I've read both. I've also read that it sounds like a knock…

Dad crouches beside a parked car to test a tire while a young shop employee waits with a pressure gauge.

Longer story · By Dad

The Thumb

A man at the garage once told me his father could check a tire by pressing his thumb into the sidewall. He'd say, "Four…

Dad knocks on the wall above a couch, pencil in hand, with a shelf and brackets waiting below.

Longer story · By Dad

The Studs

You find a wall stud by knocking. Hollow, hollow, solid. Everyone who's ever hung a shelf has heard it. I've heard wall.

Dad and an older man outside the library look thoughtfully up at the cloudy sky.

Longer story · By Dad

The Forecast

People say you can read the sky, like it's a book. I look at the sky and I see sky.

Dad looks out of his car window toward an older man raising his hand to guide him into a parking space.

Longer story · By Dad

The Spot

Parallel parking is four steps. My son says so. Line up with the car ahead, turn the wheel all the way, back until your…

Dad leans over a board on a workbench, carefully checking a tape measure with his pencil poised.

Longer story · By Dad

The Tape

I can read a tape measure down to the inch. After that it's a forest. There are lines of four different lengths, and…

Dad attempts a finger whistle in the backyard while a black-and-white dog watches him expectantly.

Longer story · By Dad

The Whistle

My brother puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles, and across an entire parking lot, a dog turns around. I've seen…

Dad throws a flat stone across a lake while a boy watches from a nearby rock.

Longer story · By Dad

The Skip

A good skipping stone is flat and about the size of a cookie. You throw it low, flick the wrist, and after that, I'm…

Dad looks back from his pickup as his wife guides the travel trailer into a wooded campsite.

Longer story · By Dad

The Backup

To back up a trailer, you put your hand at the bottom of the steering wheel and move it the direction you want the…

Dad imitates a car noise with his mouth and hands while a mechanic listens beside the front bumper.

Longer story · By Dad

The Noise

The mechanic says, “Tell me what it sounds like.” I tell him it goes… and I stop, because I'm standing in a garage bay…

Dad holds a gathered fitted sheet beside the bed, studying its elastic corners.

Longer story · By Dad

The Sheet

There's a way to fold a fitted sheet. You tuck the corners into one another, and it comes out flat, a neat rectangle,…

Dad points to an item on a restaurant menu while the waiter holds an order pad.

Longer story · By Dad

The Menu

I can't say bruschetta. I say it the way it looks, with a “sh,” and the waiter says it back to me correctly, in a calm…

Dad raises two fingers to greet the driver of an approaching pickup on a country road.

Longer story · By Dad

The Wave

On a country road, you lift one finger off the steering wheel. One finger if you don't know them. Two if it's a truck.…

Dad carefully lines up a high five with a teenager's patiently raised hand in the kitchen.

Longer story · By Dad

The High Five

I can't high five. My son's friend Tyler walks into the kitchen, raises a hand, and I go for it and hit his wrist. Or…

Dad studies a jar of jelly beans at the fair while a woman waits to record his guess.

Longer story · By Dad

The Jar

The county fair has a jar of jelly beans on a table by the pie tent. Closest guess wins a pie. I've entered eleven…

Dad studies the switches and labels on a household breaker panel, with a portable lamp nearby.

Longer story · By Dad

The Breaker

The labels on our breaker panel are in three different handwritings. “Misc.” “Back.” “Kitchen, maybe.” I want the one…

Dad bends to inspect a spirit level on a wall shelf, with books waiting on the table below.

Longer story · By Dad

The Bubble

A bubble level has a little vial of liquid, and when the bubble sits between the two lines, the shelf is level. I can…

Dad reaches toward his feet from a seated stretch while a physical therapist watches with a clipboard.

Longer story · By Dad

The Stretch

Touching your toes is about breathing out. Everyone says so. You exhale, you let your arms go, and they just travel.…

Dad rests at the end of a swimming lane and looks toward the lifeguard’s chair.

Longer story · By Dad

The Laps

I swim laps at the Y, and by the eighth lap I've lost count. It isn't that I stop counting. It's that I keep going, and…

Dad admires a carefully aligned stack of split firewood beside the house in autumn.

Longer story · By Dad

The Rick

A cord of firewood is four feet by four feet by eight feet. I know because the man who delivered it told me, and then…

Dad holds two pieces of firewood ready to knock together, with a coffee mug waiting on a nearby stump.

Longer story · By Dad

The Knock

Seasoned firewood, they say, rings like a bell when you knock two pieces together. Wet wood goes thud. It's in every…

Dad carefully pours clear water from a bottle into a tilted beer glass over the kitchen sink.

Longer story · By Dad

The Pour

I practice my pour with water. Glass at forty-five degrees, straighten it halfway, bottle just above the rim. The way…

Dad takes notes while talking with a delivery driver beside a truck and stacked boxes outside a shop.

Longer story · By Dad

The Truck

There's a beer I like that's at its best in the first two weeks after it's canned. After that it's still good, but it's…

Dad holds a hazy IPA toward the brewery window and studies it while his friend watches.

Longer story · By Dad

The Haze

I got a hazy IPA at the brewery. It's the color of orange juice that somebody's been arguing with.

Dad checks a chicken thigh with a digital meat thermometer, viewed from above the grill.

Longer story · By Dad

The Thermometer

I bought an instant-read thermometer. One-second reading. This is a tool for people who want to know, and I want to…

Dad crouches beside two propane tanks, thoughtfully comparing one marked with masking tape to an unmarked tank.

Longer story · By Dad

The Tank

My propane has run out in the middle of a cook four times. Always with guests. Always with the burgers done on one…

Dad waits with folded arms beside a steak resting under a loose foil tent on a cutting board.

Longer story · By Dad

The Rest

You rest a steak. That's what it says everywhere. Ten minutes, loosely covered. I put it on a board, I set a timer, and…

Dad presses an edging spade into the grass to make a straight boundary beside the driveway.

Longer story · By Dad

The Edge

I edge the lawn along the driveway with a flat spade. Straight down, pull back, clean line. It's about twenty minutes…

Dad stands beside his lawn mower admiring alternating light and dark stripes across his freshly mowed lawn.

Longer story · By Dad

The Stripes

I mowed the lawn in stripes. I'd read about it. You mow toward the street, then away, and the bent grass catches the…

Dad crouches in one sock beside his shoes, watching a timed sprinkler water the lawn.

Longer story · By Dad

The Sprinkler

I put a timer on the hose. That's the whole thing. That's the whole project. The lawn waters itself now, and I have…

Dad points out the middle shelf of IPA cans to a guest holding a beer carrier.

Longer story · By Dad

The Middle Shelf

I keep my IPA in the middle of the fridge. Not the door. Middle shelf, eye level if you bend down. The door is where…

Dad carefully folds a small sock on a shirt-folding board beside a stack of folded T-shirts.

Longer story · By Dad

The Folding Board

I bought a folding board. Now, before you decide what I am, the folding board folds a shirt in about four seconds. I…

Dad holds a closed book in his armchair while watching hockey on the television.

Longer story · By Dad

The Casual Fan

So, I do not follow hockey. I want to make the record straight on that, because I have spent a lot of my life following…

Dad holds a paper road map in the car beside his wife, with a navigation screen and a lakeside road ahead.

Longer story · By Dad

The Route

I don't let the GPS choose the route. It doesn't know where we've been, and that's the entire argument, and it's a good…

Dad reaches for a timer from his recliner, with a dog and cat asleep beside him.

Longer story · By Dad

The Ten Minutes

I don't nap. I take a ten-minute rest. That's the difference, and it matters, because a nap is a commitment and a rest…

Dad lifts the lid of his charcoal grill to inspect the chicken while his friend waits on a cooler.

Longer story · By Dad

The Lid

The first rule of charcoal is you don't open the lid. And I know the first rule. The problem is I don't believe it, and…

Dad adjusts a hanging bird feeder and watches an empty branch above the birdbath.

Longer story · By Dad

The Feeder

I put up a bird feeder in March, before the season. Because I like to be ready, and being ready is a personality trait…

Dad carefully places a single craft beer bottle at the front of a refrigerator shelf.

Longer story · By Dad

The One I'm Saving

I have a bottle in the fridge I'm saving. I'm not going to tell you which one, or who it's for, and I want you to…

Dad proudly stands beside an enormous empty cardboard box crowding the entryway.

Longer story · By Dad

The Box I Saved

I have a box I pulled out of the recycling, and it is exactly the size of the dishwasher. I want to be clear about…